The battle with-in

It has been the inward battle for my life, and I hope it culminated today.  I am not speaking literally, but metaphorically.  It has been a battle for my journey.  Mostly mental, and very little physically.  While many of you who have been following me know, the last month was very hectic for me.  So I have not been able to work out, and I began cheating on my new lifestyle.  Mentally, I kept telling myself that I want to continue.  And as a quick side note, thank you everyone who kept on congratulating me and telling me I looked good and that you could tell how much I lost.  It has kept me wanting to continue to keep on this journey.  But the whole reason why I got so big in the first place is that even though I was very big, I never felt it.  I felt like a skinny person stuck in a fat persons body.  So that feeling was starting to creep back in.  Plus you add the fact that I am feeling physically (for the most part) the best that I have felt in years.  Also, I was beginning to feel like I actually accomplished something.  When in fact, I have a very long way to go.

What got me through the beginning of my journey was my pure determination to succeed.  Nothing was going to stop me.  But how do you keep that determination, when you start getting a big head?  The answer is you don’t.  What happens is you make excuses.  I really wanted to start going to the gym last week, didn’t happen.  I wanted to get to the gym, Tuesday and Wednesday, didn’t happen.  So I wanted to get to the gym today.  I have a 2 hour block, in which I had no excuses, except for the fact that my heel was hurting.  It was the same injury that is why I took time off with to begin with.  It has come and gone numerous times since.  But that wasn’t going to stop me.

So I go to the gym, and try to do the elliptical.  Five minutes into it, I can feel my heel bothering me and decide not to push it anymore.  So I decided to do the bike and after 10 minutes, I just wasn’t into it.  But I didn’t want to give up.  So I talk myself back on the elliptical.  Eight minutes into it, I am already making excuses to stop at ten or fifteen minutes.  Inside my head I was fighting myself.  I was telling myself, don’t give up and you can do it.  While also telling myself, my heel is in pain.  It was in minute 12 that on my iPod, while listening to K-Love radio through an app, the Mandissa song “Overcomer” ( I posted the video a while ago on my blog) came on and everything changed.  It was exactly what I needed to hear, exactly when I need to hear it.  I ended up doing 30 minutes on the elliptical and if you count the fifteen minutes between the bike and elliptical before it – a total of 45 minutes.

Does that mean I wont struggle anymore, no.  But it was huge.  It was like when everything is going the wrong way in a football game and you get a turnover.  It doesn’t change everything that happened before that, but it gives you hope that you can turn things around.  The biggest thing is, I have to find a way to get back that determination.  I wish it was just as simple as turning a switch, and boom it is there.  I know I will get it back, I just got to fight until that happens.  If it was easy, then the journey would be meaningless.  This is the times that make you.  I will look back at that 12 minute mark, and one day I will scream “that is the moment where victory started”.

When hope is fading and everything feels like it is closing in on you, remember that is the moment where victory can be the greatest.  So rise up and win.  It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it matters how many times you get back up.  And maybe that will be the day when you look back and scream “victory”.

And the journey continues….

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7 Responses to The battle with-in

  1. GFixated says:

    You will persevere, you have the strength to do so, your mind is blocking you, but keep pushing yourself…

  2. Ren_egade says:

    I posted a poem titled ‘The Battle Within’ this week. Amazingly that’s also the title of your post.

  3. Pingback: K-Love | Our Personal Journey

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